Over the years, I have had great guy friends. They pay attention to the way I think and the things I like. They help me move, fix things that break, bring me food when they cook too much. They know when I’m overthinking, can usually guess what I’m upset about before I say it, and remember random things I told them six months ago.
Yet every time we talk about women, they say the craziest things.
One of my friends complains about women not believing in 50/50, but we have never dated and he has paid for me probably a dozen times. Another has said relationships are basically a net negative for men because of the money and effort they require, while also talking about women who changed his goals, his hobbies, his confidence, and the way he sees the world.
That disconnect interests me.
I don’t think women are giving less. I think a lot of what women give is harder to count.
Men’s effort is often easier to point to. He drove an hour. He paid for dinner. He fixed something. He covered a bill.
Women’s effort can look less dramatic even when it is constant. She remembers what is happening in your life. She calls. She makes an effort with your friends and family. She cooks, cleans, plans birthdays, buys small gifts, notices when something is wrong, and remembers the thing you mentioned three months ago.
Those things are often described as personality traits instead of contributions.
She’s thoughtful. She’s caring. She’s supportive.
But thoughtfulness requires thought. Being supportive takes time. Keeping track of another person’s life takes effort.
I think that is part of why conversations about what women “bring to the table” annoy me. The table is already defined around things men traditionally provide.
Money. Protection. Transportation. Physical labor.
Then women’s contributions become background noise.
That doesn’t mean men are wrong for wanting reciprocity. I actually think that is the more interesting part.
Sometimes I think maybe men don’t mind “being the man.” Maybe they just want to feel chosen and desired too, and they can’t figure out how to say that.
Maybe “Why do I always have to pay?” is sometimes really, “Would you still make me feel special if I stopped?”
Maybe “What does she bring to the table?” is really, “Do you value me for anything besides what I provide?”
That makes more sense to me.
Because men want adoration too. They want someone excited to see them. They want the random gift. They want the phone call. They want someone to remember what they like, make an effort with their friends, plan something around their interests, and make them feel known.
I just don’t think those things always register as equivalents to something tangible.
A dinner has a receipt.
A long drive has mileage.
A bill has a dollar amount.
There is no receipt for making someone’s life feel warmer.
And maybe that is why two people can both be giving a lot and still feel like the exchange is uneven.
One person is measuring what they spent.
The other is measuring how much of themselves they built into the relationship.
Neither is necessarily wrong. They just might not be using the same language.
I think some of the gender wars around relationships would sound very different if men were more comfortable saying, “I want to feel chosen too.”
That is a much more vulnerable thing to admit than saying women are entitled or relationships are a bad deal.
And maybe it is also more accurate.
Because I don’t think most men want women to do everything they do in exactly the same way.
I think they want proof that the effort is mutual.
The problem is that sometimes the proof is already there. They just aren’t counting it.
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